The 4th blues

So I'm supposed to be enjoying my self but I can't because I miss my better half.. well the way I see it she's my better half. She completes me even when I didn't know I wasn't complete..I don't know how or what I'm doing any more and what makes things worse is that I feel as if I'll never get over her.. No matter how many days pass pass by I still miss her I still dream about her I still worry and wonder how she is.. I miss my babies but in all I miss her so much. I miss her optimisim, I miss the way she hated every one but me lol. She knew how it would crush me if she ever told m she didn't want me around so she just let me be around! Secretly she enjoyed my being there as much as much as I enjoyed being there! I loved her smile her worry her laugh the way she pretended. To be mad at the girls but with one lookat the right moment & she's laughing &jokeing with the girls.. There is no doubt that she loves her girls more than anything. Any way I love to watch her sometimes just allow a smile come across her face because with her there are moments when life is complete. With her is were I wanna be. Whith her is were I learned to really be my self.. With her I know not to worry with her my life makes since. I understand it with her. She makes me smile all the time she listens to me she understands me she waits for me (sometimes lol). I love her! She's my love.. No one can ever make me forget my true love.. the one love I would have lost everything for.. I told her once no one has ever made me feel this way before I told her I don't ever think I'll ever get over her she said just keep looking I told her I have and every one I've ever come across has parts of them I like but not the whole of them if I took all the parts of the once I've liked and put them together I have her and no one will ever compare to her! So no I'm not going to continue to look because I don't want any one else but Her! I LOVE HER! She's the only one who I would ever consider just drop every thing I ever believed in for her.. I loved and do love her! But she's gone so there's nothing now.. well night may every day bring you happieness and Joy! May your days be filled with smiles. And love the way I've loved!
07/04-05/2013

Heartbreak..

I can't do this right now day in and day out one person on my mind you.. I dream about you consantly even when I don't want to I see you walking the streets at night or I see you drive past me sometimes I even see you walk down the isle of the store I'm in.. if you ever had a movie mad about your life Jessica Biel would play you thank God she hasn't been in a lot of new movies.. and the one that's out I only saw once.. but even so I miss you soo much it hurts not to be able to talk to my best friend.. I'm starting not be able to breath again.. I find my mind just wandering off I'll be driving and sometimes when I pass a traffic light I have to look back to make sure I didn't run a red! You are constanly on my mind.. I miss you.. I guess I feel as if I need you and I always have just never really noticed it.. I don't sleep as well I'm up all types of the night.. I feel a hole in my heart..I know it sounds cliche but its not its true.. I find my self just wanting to cry all the time but its not till I'm alone do I allow my self to truly do so and even then I still don't cry sometimes.. I miss you terribly really I do I just don't know what to do any more I wanna talk to you but then if I do what happens?? Will I be ok after?? I don't know what I truly would go do.. any way I have to go now just some food for thought.. I'm not doing good at all.. I miss you love..

You vs Them..

When it comes down to you.. you win hands down.. today I was at the gym and I had seen this girl I knew from working in the mall she is pretty and really didn't need to be working out she seemed as if she was at a good body weight.. any way I first spotted her going into the gym then when I went in I saw her on the tredmil..it was then I knew what I was doing and I wouldn't allow myself to do so.. so I closed my eyes and rode my bike thing and girl did I ride.. my rpms was at 110-120 heart rate got up to 190 not good...when I opened my eyes I just slowed down and then she walked by..( now thinking about it she must have known that I had been some what but not on purpose watchen her) the first three times she didn't know but when she got off the tread and walked passed me I'm sure she saw me and then I just happed to turn around to see my surroundings when she walked by again.. I then turned around and rode fast again.. lol any way I got off and saw she was with some guy and she was lifting weights I turned around and focused on me I did my reps and I tried not to look any more but that didn't work cuz I was now facing her while on one of the machines.. so I closed my eyes and did my count.. why when I finished when I open my eyes I look to my left and she's walking my way but instead of her coming to me I smile I knod then I give a lil wave and then she turns to go to finish working out that's when I decided that I wouldn't do this any more.. so I put a wall between her and I..and did another work out when I finished that I shot out.. I still miss you my first love..so you win!!! I love you!

07/23/13

Twi§ed

When it comes down to it if it wasn't for my dream I think I would have dropped everything just to be with you.. I'm not saying you feel the same way but that I feel this way and even tho I want kids well I think I rather be single for the rest of my life than to not be with you.. they say I'll get over you but I've had seven years to get over you and I haven't so why try to start now?? I love you and I can't stand not being able to be near you.. I wanna be with you and I just wanna be close to you. I wanna hold you I wanna be able to know that true happieness is yours and mine.. these past few days have been torture because I feel like I can't breath I feel excited and anxious at the same time I feel heavy and light I feel happy because I know its you but I'm sad because you may never be mine.. I'm alive because with you is life but I'm dead because I can never see you or be next to you again!! I wanna explode and tell every one I'm in love with you.. but I can't.. I want to I feel every part of me feel this way feel like this is right but then there's that part that part that says its wrong and that you don't feel the same way if I knew if I knew for sure that you don't feel for me what I feel for you well then and only then maybe I'll be able to move on.. I think lol.. I don't know maybe its an infatuation yeah maybe I'm infatuated with you or something?? I don't know but I feel this way ok get this the 19th I was with my mom and sisters at a store I was walking around just thinking about the convo you and I just had and this song comes on I don't know the song but all I could think about is you!! You were all I thought about now ppl can't say oh its because I'm not dating nope cuz if I wanted two there are three guys who would be interested but I'm not into them right now.. nope you are the one drivng me crazy!! I don't know if I can do this any more I feel my self just slipping away.. why do you do this to me?? How come you can do this to me?? Why?? I'm not mad just confused how just a hi from you sends me spinning?? When you look at me I'm doing the jig! And when I hug you girl you got me running a marathon...nope you got me doing a triathlon !! Lol corny I know but true!! I wanna be better for you I wanna be stable so your not jumping around! I wanna be your solid.. like you've been mine..I wanna ohh man Damn girl you got me twi§ed!!!  Not cool at all
07/24/13

No Tears!

Don't cry I'm the mushy one remember!! Just know I love you and no matter how far away we are I'll aways love you I'll always be here!

Today

You know today was one of those days were I would have came over just because and I would have hung out with you today was one of those days that would have been really great to spend time with you and the girls whom I miss so dearly and today would have been a great day but today wasn't the best day today I missed you today I just thought about you all and wanted to cry today I Missed you all soo much.. just wanted to say today would have been that day...

I hate this really I do I don't know why I feel this way but I do know I hate her I don't like her at all every time I turn around she's there every where I look she's there and I hate her sooo much I truly dislike her!! I wish she would stay out of my life... my life would be better without her!!

Goodbye

This has to truly be the second hardest thing I have to do in my life.. the first was telling you how I felt about you and allowing my self to feel that.. the second is really letting you go I hate myself for having to do this but if I don't I'll just be a mess for the rest of my life.. I love you soo much its crazy its unhealthy for me to love you that much I love you soo much that if I loved you any more I could die..maybe of a broken heart or something of that sort lol any way I'm writing because its just time I let you go you have been the solid in my life for over 7 years and I love you for it!! You have been there for me more than I was there for you... I can't believe I'm doing this.. I thought I saw you today at the park.. I didn't turn around because I knew to do so would just hurt me even more.. I hate not knowing if I'll ever talk to you again or if I'll ever see you again you were always the strongest out of the both of us and always helped me when I needed it even when you didnt want to.. i've taken you for granted and knew i did..you were difficult at first i didnt know how to be around you with the way i felt about you of course i didn't know what i was really feeling then i just didnt know.. but thats no excuse.. I have to say Goodbye now.. I love you too much i wanna be near you soo bad its killing me really it is and we both know that will never happen so because i believe what i do i have to say bye.. my heart breaks with every word i write i and a tear falls with every word I write.. I never Wanted to have to say Goodbye to you. I thought you and i would know each other for ever but i think its time i really do hate this but if i continue im just sighning myself to my death..but babygirl if you take any thing from me let it be this you are amazing !!! You deserve the world dont settle for less than that your ment for greatness my love. Go after it make that difference in the world my love.. There are many people who are waiting for you to walk into their lives and make a difference.. I've been telling you for years that your ment for this greatness and I still believe it love.. Maybe one day you may walk into a classroom and I may be sitting in the corner.. I miss you sol much ...ha you know I've always have been the mushy one and I know you hate that mushy crap lol but you know I love you soo much.. soo much if I get over you it would be a miracle .. you have always been a big part in my life and to not have you in it sucks. I don't wanna say Good-bye I've never been good at it so I'm just gonna let this be the end I love you sooo much Paula..remember that always remember that when a man loves you enough to give you the world and treats you like a Queen then and only then is he right ohh how can I forget my babies?? They too must be treated like the little princesses that they truly are.. give Cloey my love on her birthday I truly do miss them both so much!! They won't remember me at all so I guess it would be ok for them.. but for me I'll always love you three. My Girls..thanks for all that you taught me all the advice all the love you've given me and just your friendship overall thank you so much for being you. If we cross paths again I pray it be on great terms and I pray that time around it be for life that you'd be able to stay.. I love you BabyGirlPMA..I love you soooo much it hurts... Good-bye

Her v Life

If I choose her then I lose Life if I choose Life then I lose her.. I believe Life is more important than her for in Life I have a chance at love but to love her is what I want to do but to love her I turn my back on my God...so I'm choosing Life in hopes that she may forgive me in hopes that she will understand.. that she will love me still and want to choose Life one day too!! She knows I love her with all my heart soo why wouldn't she choose Life?
I want with all my heart to choose her over Life but because I know what that means that choosing her would seal my death I can not choose her over Life..

The Day I realized it was You!

One day I was heading home from work and I had decided to come see you I heared you were moving and well I wanted to see you before you left.. I didn't feel like listening to the music on my phone so I turned on the radio to 99.1.and this song came on and as I listend to it every word rang true every word was how I felt..
                  All along it was a fever
               A cold sweat hot-headed believer
        I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something
           He said, "If you dare come a little closer."

         Round and around and around and around we go
        Oh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

             Not really sure how to feel about it.                  Something in the way you move
           Makes me feel like I can't live without you
                  It takes me all the way. 
                   I want you to stay

I wanted you to stay I would hate my self if I didn't tell you that I did I would die if you left. Many times I went back and forth on how I felt about you but I didn't want to ruin our friendship.. I loved you and I didn't wanna let you go!!

                Ooh the reason I hold on
              Ooh cause I need this hole gone
               Funny you're the broken one
            but I'm the only one who needed saving
              Cause when you never see the light                          it's hard to know which one of us is caving

And that is my life story I was always trying to help her show her that she can be loved that if any one treated her right that if they treated her like a queen that if they respected her right then and only then will that person deserve her heart.. but she never heard me I would tell her all the time how much I loved her how much potential she has that she was ment for great things in life.. all the while I was hurting I could never let go of what I was feeling.. I didn't know how to handle it.. it wasn't till that day the day this song is playing in my ear to I hear my true feeling ring loud and clear.. do I understand that my love is her my heart wanted her the day I reliezed that I loved her more than my own life that I wanted to do what ever it took to be with her.. that I Loved PMA!!!

5/20/13

I don't know what I'm doing any more.. I feel alone all the time and on top of that I miss my friend soo much I kinda don't have any one to talk to any more..that just makes me a loner I know been one most of my life any way.. I can't do this any more.. really I can't I don't know how to move on I wanna move on I wanna just get things together but I don't know how.. I don't have any thing to look forward to in life every since you left I've been kicking my self for not doing what I should have done for not coming by that Friday I started to but decided not too I wish I would have I wouldn't have regret maybe I would know where you are and how you all are doing but I didn't and I don't.. that's my biggest regret because no matter how much I try to shake it I do love you I love you more than I've loved any one ever before I love you so much id give up every thing just to be with you.. I would tell you every day how beautiful you are how much of an amazing person you are how when you smile I can't help but smile because aslong as I'm with you the world could be in ruins and burning and going crazy but as long as I was with you and my babies well nothing I mean nothing else would matter.. I love you soo much babygirl I don't think I can ever truly get over you.. when ever I try to just move on and fine another muse for the time I can't not even the guy that calls me almost every other day has my attention any more..you my love are the only person whom which I love with my whole heart.. you PMA you are my love always have been and always will be till the day I die..( which between you and I may be sooner than you think) I hate missing you I hate not being able to see you or talk to you whenever..
07/06/13