Ok soo I know no one has ever said letting Go would be easy.. and God knows it really isn't.. so with that said... today is one of those days were I miss the conversation and just the time spent.. I miss laughing with the girls playing around with them.. and even just sitting around hanging with you!! I'm not coming around for my own reasons for me but I do wish we could talk every now and then.. I hope everything is going good.. and I hope more than anything that your happy...not just on the surface happy no I hope your deep down happy.. that's how happy I've always wanted you to be so I'm hoping your that happy.. I love you give hugs and kisses from me... take care... always me

Uhgg Letting Go!!

How come this comes so easly.. I want to talk really I do but I find my self just taking it day by day and like even today I decided I won't!! And I didn't! Soo with that being said so far soo good!!!.... The matters of the Heart do hurt but letting go knowing that you still miss that person or know how much that person ment to you... well that's really Hard!!

Uhgg Cheaters!!

Soo this is a load of bull I don't even wanna know why or what or any thing I think I'm just done why did I hurt why was it such Big deal?? I don't know but really I'm not doing this I'm not trying to get hurt again.. I don't wanna cry and I will if you come around... love what is that and how come I got hurt?? Why did you just tell me?? I thought I was th only one but you lied.. We haven't even made it offical and you pull this crap?? Yeah right.. there is never a chance for us now you made your bed and now lay in it!!  I dopped it all for you and she says that you two have been together for 6 months you said I was the only one.. Bull!! You lied and cheated... I'M DONE!!!

Uhhg Dreams!!

How is it I'm over her and she continues to haunt my dreams.. contantly... she's forgotten about me she's moved on so its time I do too but why can't I?? I drempt about her tonight.. she came around to talk which was what I wanted but I had somethings to do that day so I told her and some other friends  I'd meet up with them later..so I left.. but not before inviting a couple of them to come with me only to have them decline my offer.. while I was leaving I looked back caught her eye and told her while talking to every one I'll be back soon...and while I was gone I just thought about her..went to the store went to work then couldn't take it any more I had to go back.. soo I finished my tasks and came back I was in the trying to go back into the house when I kinda fell through the door.. I didn't understand why and was really emberassed.. lol needless to say every one laughed but she just looked she seemed hurt.. and I think she was physically... she was sitting on a couch and had let her arm dangle on the back side of the couch..I was still kinda on the floor and I just leaned against to couch and held her arm to my head.. she began to pull it away when I said you don't know how much I've missed you.. as soon as I said it I wished I had taken it back..and what happened next made any doubt of that true.. she looked at me and said Tyann... and I knew.. my heart dropped I told her I was sorry and that I didn't mean it.. I went over to her and saw the cut.. it was deep so I told her I would take care of her.. she told me no.. I picked her up so I could find help..she was now in my arms and I didn't wanna let go.. she was hurt when she first came and knew it was a matter of time..she had told me she wanted to talk but I didn't wanna hear it soo I kept walking and some how we found ourselfs in a store.. so tired of walking I slid down to the floor.. I called out for help.. I but know one seemed to hear me.. there was several people around.. and no one came to help... really hard time.. I brought her closer to me and I just kept telling her Your gonna be alright, I love you, I'm not givivng up, I choose you!! I couldn't believe it she was leaving me.. I started to scream again for help and no one could seem to hear me she just looked at me and said let me go.. I told her I couldn't that I was gonna find help.. she looked at me and said I've beem helped that I know but... and I said I know I'm wrong to try to hold on to you.. but I do love you.. and in that moment she was gone.. I didn't know what to do so I just cried.. she was the one person I had ever fought so hard for never giving up always trying harder and harder to find a why to keep her.. only to have her slip away.. I'm trying not to be angry,mad,sad, or depressed.. we had a lot of great times.. we had days were we .... well were I was genuinly happy were I wasn't worried or scared.. I learned a lot from her really I did but I'm also learning to let go.. I started this note at 3:30 this morning.. only to not finish it till now but not before getting a message from her telling me she's in town.. lol wow.. well that's that.. I don't know what I'm doing any more let alone who to talk to about it!!any way I'm tired of feeling scared.. every time like I'm going to go back to the woman I once was.. she was my heart and I loved her just as well soo how do you let that go truly?? When I find out I'll let you know.. she doesn't seem to care any way just wants to lure me out to get me all twisted again... we will see...

DARK DAYS

Soo I'm sorry its been a while getting on I don't know how people go on after an ordeal like that.. just to let you know I've been in and out of the hospital doc says if it had been a minute or two later I would have died... any way soo I'm not doing that again.. its been a difficult time.. my hearts been breaking and no matter who I meet she will always be the one I love!!  I've been trying to let go really I have..soo I believe I may have to stay single for the rest of my life forever alone.. but I can't go back to that dark place any more I gotta figure something out...

Uhgg Dont Look @ Me Like That

Soo this morning was lame not cool they woke me up when I'm supposed to be sleep I want to move now...they got mad because I watched their children because that's what I do they weren't happy. I didn't call.. I'm sorry... really I am.. its just I didn't do what I normaly don't do... I've never called to say ohh this is what I'm doing because I know I'm resposable.. any way my morning has been ruined... because instead of Good morning or how are you it was what happen last night and even have you been looking for work?? Just cause your other kids are soo perfect well doesn't mean I wanna be... I'm just trying to be a good role model....I'm trying to be better.. but how can I if your never happy with the things I do get right?? I'm tired of trying.. I don't wanna be here but I am and I'm trying not to give up.. because God knows I want to.. I don't wanna fight any more I just wanna rest.. I just want to foget the pain.. I had a dream last night about her I covered for her I helped her I was there and when I needed her she was no were to be found.. this repeated it self soo many times over.. I don't understand why it did I don't know why me why couldn't life be better for me than it is now?? Why couldn't I have went to college and stared my degree then why not be married or engaged to a Man?? Why did I have to go through the past 10 years the way I did?? Why couldn't have things been differnt.. I could love the way I do without all of that?? So why ?? Why heartbreak after break?? Why can't I have love?? A love I don't have to share...every thing I do is for others... I want someone to think about me and go the exrta mile for me... I'm tired of crying and hurting on the inside...every one see's a smile but if you look like I look or listen like I do you would see and hear the truth.. I'm done ranting about me now.. its not their fault... its been building up and because I don't have anyone that I don't share or has the time.. well I just didn't have any one to tell... any way that's that...later..
#DON'T JUDGE ME..

Damn!!

Soo I have been debating whether or not if I should write you.. I've been wanting to but don't think you would respond any way.. so I've been keeping to my self... I miss the girls you know just seeing their smiles and hearing them laugh made my day.. You know when you left it was one of the hardest things I had to deal with because I didn't realize that I had grown to depend on you just being there.. I never really realized that you could leave when ever you wanted... that says a lot about me I know. So this is me being Honest and blunt (or trying to be open and honest) lol I've tried a lot and I'm trying to get over you I'm tying to let go honest I even started writing this in your messenger on FB but chickened out because I don't know if you even want to hear from me.. I know we used to have these times when we wouldn't talk and then you would go back to him have another beautiful baby and after the new addition came into the world then you would allow me to come around it after a while. But I don't want to wait any more you in my life is all I want I hate not being able to talk or just spend time with you... All this to say I MISS YOU SOO DAMN MUCH ITS NOT FUNNY..!!!

Truth!

Truth...I'm mad..
Truth...I'm sad
Truth...I wish I could just say goodbye and be done
Truth...I wish I did things differntly
Truth...I wish this wasn't hard
Truth...I'm scared
Truth...I don't know what I'm doing
Truth...I leaned on to you soo much you were like my cruch
Truth...I looked at you and wanted to be like you I wanted to be carefree..
Truth...I don't think I'll ever stop
Truth...I want to but don't know how to
Truth...the idea of losing you scares me
Truth...I want nothing more than to change
Truth...I can't..

Why??

Why do I do this to my self I allow the one thing I wanna do the main thing I want to do... but its not possible.. chances are given one after the other the on thing I don't do is give up?? I'll never have and I don't intend on do so ither.. Don't let me down.. I've waited all my life to find you..

You!!

Hey soo I really shouldn't have asked you that question the other day.. that was selfish of me .. I know you may think ok what ever but it matters to me.. look for years I loved you as in wanting to be with you.. and also for more years than I was in love with you you were my friend ( to me you were my best friend) and when I started to have feelings for you well that to me started to make things difficult to be around you due to I wasn't ready to talk it out lound with you yet.. and you know this past year has been more well how do I say I've grown a pair and became a little more bolder right.. I couldn't imagine my life without you I told you before that even tho you didn't like me like that that I wouldn't try to be that girl that thought I had a chance even though I didn't.. you told me to fine some one else and for me I just felt like there was no one like you and I still stand by that your you no one else can be you. You have this thing about you that draws people to you and one day you will be able to use that for a good reason.. why am I saying all of this?? Well because I'm truly sorry I'm sorry for allowing my self to fall for you I'm sorry for falling Deep in to what was sand.. its rough its grity and not welcomed in places its not supposed to be.. I ask my self why you why do I love you soo much why do I care about you the way I do and I still don't know why..I don't know.. really I don't but I'll tell you this.. I can't do this any more.. I can't keep wanting to be around you it kills me when your not around.. it hurts to think that for 7 years I've thought we were friends and you seem to still play Games... or what ever it is I really don't know what.. the sad part is that even though I say I'm done if you called just wanting to talk or needing something i'd be there for you I would try to get you what ever it is that you wanted or needed.. I love you that much not if the girlfriend type of way but as in I'm always gonna have your back.. I'm like that annoying thing you can't get rid of.. that thing you want gone but when its gone you miss.. lol that me lol.. sad I know and no its not that I don't know how to let go nope.. its just that's just the way my heart works always loving on someone lol... I can't help it!!... any way again I'm sorry for any pain or time I may have caused you.. I'm sorry for not just being a friend and wanting more I'm sorry for every thing.. hope all is well and take care....

      Love always Ty..

I Am

When you first look at me what do you see??  Color,size, gender, hair teeth nails eyes smile all the phyisical parts or do you see a hard worker a lover a open hearted person some one who would never give up on you some one who sees all the Good in you that your too blinded to see?? Some one who will continue to love you even when you have hurt them over and over and over again!! Love kind hearted someone who Genuinely loves you!!!  That is me if nothing else I'm all theses things and more!!

Let Her Go!!

She was my heart.
She was the one I loved..
But why?? Why was she the one I didn't want to live without??
Why was her?? Out of everything and everyone whey was she the one I obssessed over ?? I've been doing a lot of thinking and I still don't know why but I decided that its time to lsay Goodbye for real..I heard this song awhile ago and I think I'm going to take the advice that it gives... this song is for those who have ever had their Heart broken or for those who have ever Dived to deep..
This is so me and I'm sorry...

"Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And I DIVED TO DEEP"
I'M SORRY... Goodbye!

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go."

THE PASSENGERS : LET HER GO; COVER BY JASMINE THOMPSON