Promise/ Im Sorry..

I've been waiting and still nothing soo I ask my self why? If everything was going so great before why did they change? I'm the same person I've always have been from day one yes somethings have changed but for the better.. but the person I am hasn't. So again I ask why?? What changed?? And why now?? What made you think its ok drop a friend the way you've dropped me you dropped the one person who even after all this would still be there if you needed..I dont know what's wrong with me that I would still be there for you?? I don't know why I felt the ok to even care about you the way I do! I know I get it you've been hintting for me to forget you to let you go I know you haven't called even though you could I know you haven't wrote me back even though you could. I know I'm not dumb.. I just can't let you go I'll stop trying to reach you but I can't stop loving you.. no matter what I've tried..it has yet to help or get me over you.. I've loved you a really long time and just got to the point where I wanted to get what it is that I wanted.. and that is you!! I've told you soo many times maybe like every day I've told you any time we talked I told you how I felt or that I loved you!! So this is nothing new!! Don't act surprised! I know others might not agree with this but since when have you done what every one else tells you or cared what they thought?? Any way just know this: "I would never hurt you babe, I open my heart I give it to you let the whole world know I'm in love with you whatever you want babe I'll do I know I don't want nobody else but you! " "Ciara Promise"

I'm keeping this just as I wrote it but let me say yes I'll still love you always but I won't be in love with you I'm not in love with you..I know you read these and I know you have let others read them.. you know there was a time when I was ashamed about how I felt about you.. then I got to a point when I realized that saying how I felt was better than keeping it in but even more so I realized I did wrong by telling others and even after that I was still wrong because I didn't let go I kept pushing.... and I'm sorry.. truly I am..I'm not sure what I want to do as far as moving on because I still want you in my life but I don't feel like you want to be apart of it.. your my friend and I love you but I just hope you forgive me for all the wrong I've done..

I don't know what's happen but I feel as if some how things changed... your not there any more your not around your not with me any more.. I'm trying to get past this I know its time and I am but I'm afraid of letting you down.. I always have been.. you've been strong for me and it was time to be strong for you and I let my feelings get in the way..I allowed my feelings to dictate what I wanted.. the worst part about this is I feel like I've lost my best friend.. I feel like I no long have that one person in my corner who was always there.. and also I feel like I had been played from the begining like you knew how this would end how you wanted it to end.. I hate the fact that your so far away I hate not knowing I hate trying to figuer out what this is were things are going one moment your there the next your gone and not just gone up the street or in the next town or even out of country nope gone as if you never exsited.. I don't understand why I don't know why even after I asked you to please don't disappear on me.. first chanse you got what did you do..?? You left you never cared if you did well I just don't know I guess I really wanted to see more than what was really there.. I miss you my friend.. I miss you soo much.. but I guess you don't care..if you did you would have wrote me before I wrote you!! Real friends care Real friends call.. .Real friends wouldn't tease... I'm tired of playing Games with you!! I'm tired of every time I'm good you come around and mess me up then disappear all over again.. I don't understand you I don't know who does that to people they care about.. I guess its

I don't understand you at all I don't get it?? Why would you push away someone who has proven them-self over and over again?? Maybe I was mistaken myself maybe what I feel was never real.. maybe I'm thinking too much in to this maybe you enjoy seeing me hurt and confused I never thought that you out of all people would do this to me... I just care too much is that it?? Well ok then just forget it don't play f***en Games with me damit!! Tell me Tell me to my f***en face tell me this whole time you never cared at all and that this past 7 years spent was meaning less.. I never meant any thing to you at all ever... everything was a joke to you you used to tell me just be your self well I'm being me now soo why aren't you?? I know you!! Or I thought I did.. this is the worst heartache ever I feel like my head is spinning my heart has been crushed.. I won't allow my self to cry this time I just won't.. you hurt me soo bad. I've never been made a fool of till I met you and truth be told if it meant that I would get to spent time with you then I would do it all over again.. I'm soo crazy for you its soo not healthy at all day in and day out your my thought and every time you write me it gets worse.. I would do any thing for you.. love is all I have to give and I don't know why.. I keep waiting for some one to just shoot me out of my misery or even just run over my heart.. every thing I've done and nothing has pulled you away from me.. not even the distance helps..soo here is the last thing I ask.. the only thing I know to do.. Dear God please take me home for I can't handle being here on earth with out my Heart... I've been hurting too much more so over this past year more than any thing.. soo God please take me so that I will no long look like a fool nor will I hurt any more.. I'm done.. (5 letters in both first name and last both born on the 19th and the 19th I shall die..)

Every time I think I'm over you life just hits me and I realize I'm not. I miss you soo much it hurts I want and need to be over you but I m not... right now I feel it in my heart like someone scratching at it like someone is throwing needles at it.. I miss you and I don't think you feel the same I don't think you even care.. but why should you?? You've always ment more to me that I to you.. its what ever I'm just trying to get over this.. I hate feeling this why pop up the disappear?? I don't get it how and why I feel this way but every thing is bogus!!!

Dreaming of you..

You know I love you and always will.. I've been dreaming about you again.. the first time I didn't think any thing about it cause you put the pictuers of you and the girls up..but tonight my dream was about you and my babies who I miss soo much.. any way I had convinced my mom and a friend of hers and some other people to take a trip to needles I don't know how I knew were you were but I did and we headed out.. we were just arriving to town and about to turn on this street when I saw you... Cassie was with you and the girls. You both were just talking away and laughing,just enjoying the time walking home.. I was in the back seat and the window was down but you were looking down while walking across the street so I didn't think you saw me.. The reason I was able to get my mom and others to come was to check out this house that was vacant in your neighborhood. I didn't know if it would be close to you or not but that wasn't a worry of mine really we went in to and already furnished house and would be there for the next few days.. I looked out side to see you come up the street and saw you walk right up to the house next to mine.I was so surpised I didn't know we would be next to each other.. Cassie saw me and said something to you.. I turned away to go put my things away and did just that. About 10 minutes later there was a knock at the door I went to it and stood there for a second or 30 then I opened the door.. there standing in jeans and a blue blouse with your head down never seeing the door open was you.. I said uh you looked up and I've never seen you so excited to see me. You came in and just had this huge smile and I just hugged you I'm sure my excitement met yours maybe too much because my house mates were all looking like what the heck..lol I didn't wanna let you go not again.. but I knew I had too but I kept you close I just grabbed your hand and brought you close so we walked like that lol I turned around and saw Roo I got excited all over again and we went and sat next to my baby so I could give her a big hug Jade had been outside and had yet to come in I was scared they wouldn't know who I was but even when I saw Roo she knew she smiled at me and I knew she knew who I was.. you and I talked and just stayed close as if just to take a second away the other would dissaper..I guess that was more for me than you lol I wouldn't let you go..I didn't want too.. I never have.. Well I guess that says a lot about me.. I'm sorry.. maybe this dream was for me to see and understand its time to let you go for real? I don't know what do you think?? Do you not care and this is all me or what?? You can't be silent any more 7 years its time to talk.. how do you really feel?? Its time to talk!!